You might know that I am a fearful flier; in fact, you probably know it because one of the ways I “deal” with my fear is by blabbing to everyone I come into contact with about how freaked out I get about planes. Before a flight, I might talk about my phobia to: my super, my cubemates, my parents, my grandma, my fiance, the checkout lady at Duane Reade, all cab drivers I come into contact with, strangers on the Interwebs, the barista, strangers on the Air Train, my seatmate, etc. Most people are nice and try to reassure me by saying one of these three things:
–I fly all the time! And nothing has ever happened to me. (There is a first time for everything, buddy.)
–Air travel is the safest mode of transportation. (I bet they said that about the Hindenburg. And the Titanic.)
–You have a better chance of getting killed in a car accident on the way to/from the airport than on the plane. (This one makes no sense to me. I mean, we just established that I am a worrier. Are you trying to give me more fears? In NYC, people often like to tell me that I have better odds of getting smushed to death by a falling window-unit air conditioner. Well, congratulations: I’m now afraid of air conditioners, too.)

Despite all that reassurance, I still white-knuckle my way through a hell of a lot of flights. No what matter shiny object you put in front of my face, I can’t stop thinking OMG I AM WAY UP IN THE AIR IN A METAL TUBE WHAT’S THAT NOISE I HOPE NOBODY LOOKS AT MY GOOGLE SEARCH HISTORY AFTER I DIE.

Correction, there is one shiny object that will actually distract me and make me relax. It is this: